A New Beginning

I started blogging on New Years Day. My first post said something to the effect of making this year the year of getting things accomplished like my book, my writing/poetry, blogging and whatever else. It is now the beginning of June, mid way, and I haven’t done o well with my to do list. I can say that I was busy up until the end of April due to being a full-time student as well as working and being a single parent but even when I found time to breathe, I didn’t inhale priority. I didn’t inhale motivation. I just did whatever came easiest for me. I can’t describe how disappointed I am at myself for not following through. It is, however, the story of my life regarding a lot of different things. I can sit here in my pity and do nothing or I can turn despair into energy and allow it to create something spectacular for me. I get the fuel I need to write amazing poems as well as great reads. I get peace of mind every time I write and somebody enjoys my work, I get inspired when I follow through with something and it is complete. So this is my note to self to keep pressing on no matter what the weather. Just as I encourage so many to strive and build on the blocks that were meant to hold them back, I too shall minister to myself that same message. The great thing about life is that you are always able to begin again. So today, I am starting over.

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Canvas

 

Numbness has trickled down into my soul

Feelings of hurt, pain, shame no more

Has become my goal

One minute it’s on, the next moment off

Like a light switch

Mechanisms of defense has created this

I refuse to feel… like… love

It’s created nothing but resentment

Not fit for the men of my choosing

But the men that choose me

Have been negative

Not adding to my life but taking away from it

The past has wounded me

And for that I hated it.

I want a man who looks like my Father

The lord of all the earth

Who loves me without reason

In any season

Who sees all of my worth.

Love unconditional-agape

And is able to set me free

He knows who and whose he is

And he understands creation gave of him, me.

I hope someday, one day God tells him

Because I’m tired of tryin’

It’s said doing the same thing over and over again

Makes you insane without a different conclusion

Insanity must live here coupled with the enemy

All I can hear is I’m not good enough

I’m never again wanted, used up, not pretty.

Spoke to my spirit said it will never flee

Now fifteen years later the one fleeing is me

Chastened when my efforts miscarry

Humbled every time his feelings for me don’t carry

The weight equal to mine

It’s scary

Admitting the truth when the truth is one sided, despair

The truth was only my truth, not his to share

He wasn’t the one creating a relationship plan in the back of his mind

A future with me included

Helping, building to the end of time

Solitaire was each print on this canvas painted blue

My thoughts which introduced you as the main character

Caused me to love you

I loved you inwardly, on purpose, just the way you are

No matter what, I meant to be patient with you to show you how much of value you are

To my heart

When I expressed outwardly

Your response like a billion trees

All crashing down on me

At once

Bringing me to my knees

All cried out

I’m numb now

No tears left to fall

You mentioned friend

And to you

That was all

I was

So I’m heading back now, going back now running back now

To the place where I am safe

That spot where no one hears me unless I open my mouth and say

A silent expression where rejection never abides

Where all my innards stay on the inside

Don’t worry about me

I’ll be fine

I promise you that

My numbness like wine

Is here to stay

Being emotionless to the upkeeps of this world helps me to ride it smooth

Solitaire was each print on this canvas painted blue

Has now illustrated a blueprint without you

One part of me wants to be done with you

I’m embarrassed, shamed and yet my feelings sit still because this love is true

The other side wants to hold on to

The hope that you might one day see what I see and see this through

I want to stay around so when you are done wanting a friend

I’ll be where you can see me

You choosing another woman I couldn’t stand

And like the beginning of this piece

The enemy will reside

Telling me I’m not wanted, used up and not appealing.

Then I’ll go back to my hole wishing you would have chosen me.

Empowering the Black Family Conference, Empowering Me

So far this has been a much-needed weekend…and it’s only Saturday. Let me backtrack a little bit to give you the full illustration on how I got to participate in such an awesome event. About a week ago, I received a telephone call from an Administrator at my college. She presented an opportunity for me to speak in her place since she had already booked an engagement for the same date. I reluctantly agreed. I didn’t feel that I could fill such big shoes. When I finally calmed down, I realized God was working in all of this and I remembered that if this is His doing, I will be just fine.

I prepared a short message that would encourage all in attendance. I was asked to address Single Parents. I know a little bit about that. Seeing as though I have been one for the better part of fifteen years now. I wanted to let the crowd know that God has His eye on them even when they feel marginalized, oppressed, or helpless. I used the story of Hagar in the Genesis account to show how God did marvelous things on her behalf. How He told her to go back to the place where she had been enslaved. Not because He enjoyed her pain, but because he knew His plan for her life would be fulfilled through her story.

I was fine with what I had so far but as I was sitting there I heard the Holy Spirit say that I needed to insert my personal testimony into the speech. I tried to get out of it because I did not want this to be about me. I wanted God to get all the Glory. Then suddenly, God said, “I will get the glory”, plus I couldn’t focus on the other speakers until I submitted anyway. So, I inserted it.

The response was incredible. When I finished, I got so much brotherly and sisterly love. So much encouragement. Folks wanting me to speak at their next this, or next that. I honestly needed this boost in my personal life because I felt myself starting to feel down about myself.

I am in a place of transition and it is not comfortable. Two years ago, the Holy Spirit told me to leave the place of worship that I was at. I didn’t listen for my own personal reasons but after numerous amounts of spiritual whippings, I finally listened. Not knowing what I was to do next, it became a test of trusting completely in God. After resting for a month, He gave me direction in which way to go and the church I ended up was exactly what he has been trying to instill in me this whole time. To top it off, my brother who I hadn’t really communicated with in years past, was a member at the church!!! He and his family were very welcoming.

I love where I am and knowing how God works, I will like it even more later. What has been the hardest for me is coming from a place where I was Sunday School teacher, Young adult director, and many other hats and coming into a place where I am nothing feels very awkward.

I had no idea that I had become so attached to the titles that I took on for those many years or that my identity depended on those titles. The Holy Spirit said this was a season of rest for me. That He wanted me to just be a daughter. I understand why and everything but it is not easy. These people at this new church don’t know me. They don’t know that I am gifted and I want to spell it out for them but I know it is not the right time. I feel like a child that can barely sit from the excitement of Disneyland being right across the street and they can’t go.

I am learning to wait on the Lord. Learning to be patient with Him because Lord knows He has been patient with me more than he has to be. I am learning to trust Him and to find new freedoms in knowing who He is and at the same time learning who I am. That part hurts.

Until next time….

Her Black is Beautiful

My heart is heavy right now. Right now I want to go into every book store and library and buy or check out every book available on Black girls loving themselves.

I’m hearing far too often my daughter, 15, allude to her hair or while describing someone the first thing she mentions is whether they were light skinned or dark skinned. She has a boyfriend now and she told me she task him if he would still be with her if she had short hair…

All this made me think about what examples have I outwardly, yet unintented, shown her to make her think that she alone is not enough. Yes, I wear makeup, yes I have straightened my hair, yes I have been involved in a relationship where I have put myself on the back burner so that I could please him. All of these things, to her, were lectures on how to be a Black woman in America.

How do I undo this mess I’ve made. She is beautiful, talented, studious and very aware of the world around her. Time will only tell the journey that this will take. All of a sudden I want to put posters of beautiful black women on my walls and listen to beautiful black artist and watch positive black women on television to show her that she is of value.

Its so hard already living in a world where you feel you have to prove yourself every minute of the day. So hard to have to wonder in the back of your mind if the rejection was because I am black, or a woman or both. Or was it because I wasn’t qualified. The added stress of self image doesn’t make it any easier.

I want my daughter and every other daughter that looks like mine to know that its okay to love themselves. Every bit! From their hair, to their full lips, from their limps to their full hips. These features are to be embraced and not looked upon as lack.

Signed a Concerned Mother

I’m trusting and believing things will get better.