Canvas

 

Numbness has trickled down into my soul

Feelings of hurt, pain, shame no more

Has become my goal

One minute it’s on, the next moment off

Like a light switch

Mechanisms of defense has created this

I refuse to feel… like… love

It’s created nothing but resentment

Not fit for the men of my choosing

But the men that choose me

Have been negative

Not adding to my life but taking away from it

The past has wounded me

And for that I hated it.

I want a man who looks like my Father

The lord of all the earth

Who loves me without reason

In any season

Who sees all of my worth.

Love unconditional-agape

And is able to set me free

He knows who and whose he is

And he understands creation gave of him, me.

I hope someday, one day God tells him

Because I’m tired of tryin’

It’s said doing the same thing over and over again

Makes you insane without a different conclusion

Insanity must live here coupled with the enemy

All I can hear is I’m not good enough

I’m never again wanted, used up, not pretty.

Spoke to my spirit said it will never flee

Now fifteen years later the one fleeing is me

Chastened when my efforts miscarry

Humbled every time his feelings for me don’t carry

The weight equal to mine

It’s scary

Admitting the truth when the truth is one sided, despair

The truth was only my truth, not his to share

He wasn’t the one creating a relationship plan in the back of his mind

A future with me included

Helping, building to the end of time

Solitaire was each print on this canvas painted blue

My thoughts which introduced you as the main character

Caused me to love you

I loved you inwardly, on purpose, just the way you are

No matter what, I meant to be patient with you to show you how much of value you are

To my heart

When I expressed outwardly

Your response like a billion trees

All crashing down on me

At once

Bringing me to my knees

All cried out

I’m numb now

No tears left to fall

You mentioned friend

And to you

That was all

I was

So I’m heading back now, going back now running back now

To the place where I am safe

That spot where no one hears me unless I open my mouth and say

A silent expression where rejection never abides

Where all my innards stay on the inside

Don’t worry about me

I’ll be fine

I promise you that

My numbness like wine

Is here to stay

Being emotionless to the upkeeps of this world helps me to ride it smooth

Solitaire was each print on this canvas painted blue

Has now illustrated a blueprint without you

One part of me wants to be done with you

I’m embarrassed, shamed and yet my feelings sit still because this love is true

The other side wants to hold on to

The hope that you might one day see what I see and see this through

I want to stay around so when you are done wanting a friend

I’ll be where you can see me

You choosing another woman I couldn’t stand

And like the beginning of this piece

The enemy will reside

Telling me I’m not wanted, used up and not appealing.

Then I’ll go back to my hole wishing you would have chosen me.

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